Caroline's Story
I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy until 36 weeks when I developed preeclampsia. I was due to be induced at 38 and a half weeks, but went into labor on my own the day before the induction. (Three cheers for my little guy having a mind of his own!) During the labor/delivery and for 24 hours afterwards, I was on a drug called Magnesium Sulfate which made me feel very physically weak and very mentally and emotionally out of it. The Mag was for the preeclampsia -- to prevent seizures and strokes. My OB (who had not told me anything at all about the Mag ahead of time even though I had seen her two days before the induction was supposed to happen) told me I could not breastfeed while I was on the Mag. Not being able to breastfeed right away was a deep disappointment to me. The baby was born at about 8:20 pm and we fed him formula through an SNS taped to my finger and in the nursery (where we sent him for a couple of hours so we could sleep) they cup fed him. The next morning, even though I was still on Mag, the nurse, lactation consultant, pediatrician, and OB making rounds (my OB's partner) all said I could breastfeed and seemed very confused by my doctor's instructions not to (which I am still bitter about). So I did not put him to breast until at least 12 hours after he was born. He latched on just fine.
While we were in the hospital we kept a careful log of how often he nursed, for how long, and how many wet and dirty diapers he had. Nurses and lactation consultants watched me nurse and everyone said we were doing fine, with some adjusting necessary (DH helped me adjust DS's lips so the latch on was good and he helped keep DS awake by tickling his feet). When DS was 2 days old, a nurse came in our room and said that he seemed jittery. We had no idea anything was wrong. She checked his blood sugar and it was low. So we thought maybe he needs more nursing. We nursed for an hour and a half, with DH working just as hard as me and Jonah, helping me keep him awake and focused. After that marathon session, his blood sugar was even lower. We gave him some formula with an SNS on a finger but still his sugar was low. So they took him to the Special Care Nursery where he was put on an IV and given supplement (by bottle). This completely freaked us out. We had had no idea there was anything wrong with him and our confidence was completely undermined. We kept showing everyone our log of nursings and diapers. It was horrible. We were terrified of what would have happened if we had gone home with him before the problem was caught and we felt like terrible parents. In the end, fortunately, it turned out not to be serious in the longterm -- he was on the IV for about 12 hours and in the nursery for a day and a half. He stayed in the hospital one day longer than me, but when he left the hypoglycemia was over. While he was there, I went to the nursery for as many feedings as I could, nursed him, and then pumped. When I left the hospital without him, I rented a Lactina Select pump and pumped again for every feeding I think even if I also went to the hospital to nurse (can't quite remember). Everyone kept saying, you'll be able to take him off supplement when your milk comes in. Fortunately, all the bottles he was getting did not seem to affect his latch-on. No one told me my milk might be delayed or otherwise affected by the Mag, but since then other people have told me that the Mag can definitely have a bad effect on milk.
The thing was, it seemed like my milk never came in. By the time he was a week old, I was pumping out marginally more than when I was pumping colostrum, and it looked more like milk, but I never had that moment I had read about when my milk unmistakably arrived. At one week, I met with an LC who gave me an SNS and encouraged me to pump often (I don't think she told me to pump every time I fed him, and I didn't, which was probably a mistake).
The LC had told me that when I was supplementing with just breast milk, I would know I could stop supplementing. Unfortunately, I went cold turkey with both supplementing and with pumping when I reached this point at about 2 weeks. The LC thinks that this was the downfall of my supply -- I never really let it get established and DS's suckling is/was not vigorous enough on its own. (BTW, she partially blames herself for not giving me clearer advice and not monitoring more what I was doing. I like her very much.) Four or five days in, I got worried that something seemed wrong with him. I thought it might be low blood sugar, but it turned out that the poor little guy was just really hungry. He had lost 2 ounces in just four or five days. Once again, I was completely freaked out and my confidence was undermined -- I had had no idea he was hungry!! (He just got lethargic.) So we went back to supplement, I exchanged my Lactina Select for a Classic, and I started pumping around the clock after each feeding. (I also have taken Fenugreek and Reglan, and have tried the 24 hour cure). Although my milk production is marginally better than it was when I started this regime, it is woefully inadequate.
When I think about everything that conspired against us establishing a good nursing relationship from the beginning, I try not to be so hard on myself that it has not gone well. It just saddens me enormously. Somehow, breastfeeding was so central to how I imagined myself as a mother, it breaks my heart that it is not happening as I had imagined. I did not expect it to be easy, but this level of difficulty/failure is not something I contemplated. I feel that my body has betrayed me. I have to remind myself that it gave me DS, the most wonderful gift of all.
I have recently cut back on pumping. I was finding that being chained to my pump was making me depressed due to the combination of never being able to go anywhere, the way it takes me away from the baby, and the fact that it was not actually helping. I now am pumping 4 or 5 times a day and have been doing that for about two weeks. I think I may be seeing a reduction in supply now, and have to decide whether to crank back up again. There is part of me that wishes I could just give up on the whole enterprise, but I do not seem able to do that. I really do want the baby to get at least some breastmilk, and I love nursing him, even if I have to use the SNS.
While we were in the hospital we kept a careful log of how often he nursed, for how long, and how many wet and dirty diapers he had. Nurses and lactation consultants watched me nurse and everyone said we were doing fine, with some adjusting necessary (DH helped me adjust DS's lips so the latch on was good and he helped keep DS awake by tickling his feet). When DS was 2 days old, a nurse came in our room and said that he seemed jittery. We had no idea anything was wrong. She checked his blood sugar and it was low. So we thought maybe he needs more nursing. We nursed for an hour and a half, with DH working just as hard as me and Jonah, helping me keep him awake and focused. After that marathon session, his blood sugar was even lower. We gave him some formula with an SNS on a finger but still his sugar was low. So they took him to the Special Care Nursery where he was put on an IV and given supplement (by bottle). This completely freaked us out. We had had no idea there was anything wrong with him and our confidence was completely undermined. We kept showing everyone our log of nursings and diapers. It was horrible. We were terrified of what would have happened if we had gone home with him before the problem was caught and we felt like terrible parents. In the end, fortunately, it turned out not to be serious in the longterm -- he was on the IV for about 12 hours and in the nursery for a day and a half. He stayed in the hospital one day longer than me, but when he left the hypoglycemia was over. While he was there, I went to the nursery for as many feedings as I could, nursed him, and then pumped. When I left the hospital without him, I rented a Lactina Select pump and pumped again for every feeding I think even if I also went to the hospital to nurse (can't quite remember). Everyone kept saying, you'll be able to take him off supplement when your milk comes in. Fortunately, all the bottles he was getting did not seem to affect his latch-on. No one told me my milk might be delayed or otherwise affected by the Mag, but since then other people have told me that the Mag can definitely have a bad effect on milk.
The thing was, it seemed like my milk never came in. By the time he was a week old, I was pumping out marginally more than when I was pumping colostrum, and it looked more like milk, but I never had that moment I had read about when my milk unmistakably arrived. At one week, I met with an LC who gave me an SNS and encouraged me to pump often (I don't think she told me to pump every time I fed him, and I didn't, which was probably a mistake).
The LC had told me that when I was supplementing with just breast milk, I would know I could stop supplementing. Unfortunately, I went cold turkey with both supplementing and with pumping when I reached this point at about 2 weeks. The LC thinks that this was the downfall of my supply -- I never really let it get established and DS's suckling is/was not vigorous enough on its own. (BTW, she partially blames herself for not giving me clearer advice and not monitoring more what I was doing. I like her very much.) Four or five days in, I got worried that something seemed wrong with him. I thought it might be low blood sugar, but it turned out that the poor little guy was just really hungry. He had lost 2 ounces in just four or five days. Once again, I was completely freaked out and my confidence was undermined -- I had had no idea he was hungry!! (He just got lethargic.) So we went back to supplement, I exchanged my Lactina Select for a Classic, and I started pumping around the clock after each feeding. (I also have taken Fenugreek and Reglan, and have tried the 24 hour cure). Although my milk production is marginally better than it was when I started this regime, it is woefully inadequate.
When I think about everything that conspired against us establishing a good nursing relationship from the beginning, I try not to be so hard on myself that it has not gone well. It just saddens me enormously. Somehow, breastfeeding was so central to how I imagined myself as a mother, it breaks my heart that it is not happening as I had imagined. I did not expect it to be easy, but this level of difficulty/failure is not something I contemplated. I feel that my body has betrayed me. I have to remind myself that it gave me DS, the most wonderful gift of all.
I have recently cut back on pumping. I was finding that being chained to my pump was making me depressed due to the combination of never being able to go anywhere, the way it takes me away from the baby, and the fact that it was not actually helping. I now am pumping 4 or 5 times a day and have been doing that for about two weeks. I think I may be seeing a reduction in supply now, and have to decide whether to crank back up again. There is part of me that wishes I could just give up on the whole enterprise, but I do not seem able to do that. I really do want the baby to get at least some breastmilk, and I love nursing him, even if I have to use the SNS.